Today is May 3, 2012 and I don't think I'm going to make it. Read my earlier posts and I really didn't have it that bad.

Life Sucks

I cannot stand any of this. I will never be well. Here 17 months and hating every moment. Worst mistake of my life.

STOP!!!!

Stop the world I want to get off NOW!!

Yuck

LIFE AT THIS,TIME SUCKS

Boring

Everything about New York is boring. I hate being here. It is too cold, I have nothing to do every day and I wish I was back in Arizona. We are poor, we have only one car and I get stuck in the house day after day with nothing to do. If I had a car I could have gotten several jobs by now. But Paul doesn't make money and so we are stuck with the current situation. Lisa is an idiot because she continues to live with someone who makes no money and gets drunk every night. But who does she pick on? Me, not him. Life is just unfair. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. Please God hear my plea!!!!

What Am I Doing

Well. I'm in NY over 2 months and it is so boring. I don't have a car so I can't go anywhere. I stay home all day and listen to music, do housework, dance, watch TV and basically go nuts. I can't wait until the spring when I get my SS early and hope to move to Florida. NY is too expensive to live on what I'll get. Wish me luck. I also need a car!

New York

I am now in New York and have kicked the dust of Arizona from my shoes. I have been here just over a month. It's different, to put it mildly. I haven't driven a car in over a month. I live with my sister and her husband and it's not always fun. He gets drunk and stupid every night and she just puts up with it. The other night he cracked the bathroom mirror and she just let's it slide. No wonder I feel stress. I might as well be living with Dave again in the good old days. I sure hope things change or I will be sorry I killed my dog and left my home.

Didn't Keep Up With My Louise Hay

I didn't keep up with my Louise Hay and have fallen back into depression. I am alone with my dog and talk to no one except my sister, and once in a while my younger brother. The only conversations I have are with the clerks at the grocery store or Kmart, etc. Pathetic. As Theoden said, when did it come to this.

With Dave away I enjoy the solitude and not having the constant bickering. But at the same time, I have to sleep with Jackie and I'm a light sleeper so her moving wakes me each time. And lately she's taken to waking at 4 am because she sleeps during the day a lot. It's too hot to take her for runs (as if I could run).

My life is flat...............I can't even go to the movies because if I'm gone too long Jackie freaks out when I come home. At least I'd forget my troubles for a few hours and get into the cool air-conditioning. Don't get me wrong. It's cool here, but I'm going stir crazy. And it looks like Dave won't be getting back until the end of July, if I'm lucky.

Where do I go from here???????????

Something's Gotta Give

I am now almost 59 weeks into unemployment and I must admit it is starting to scare me. I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to stay here and might not be able to because I cannot find a job. Not in my field and not in any other I'm the woman that nobody wants.

I used to want to move to Florida but now I'm not so sure. I've never been there. My older brother is there but his son recently moved back down so I imagine he's happy with that. Plus he's unemployed too and a bit of a hermit. I love him dearly but I think I wouldn't see a lot of him if I was there. Plus it costs money to move to Florida.

Then there's back-up New York. My sister on Long Island. Her request that I come and stay with her and her husband aren't made as often as they once were. Pause for thought. My younger brother and his wife are having a baby so they are going to be tied up. I don't feel I fit into that life anymore.

I came from California where I thought I was happy for 30 years. Turns out I was probably happy for half that time, if that. I think when I met Dave my joy slowly turned sour as the years went by. That will be 29 in August. And yet we still live together here in Northern Arizona. Bizarre.

Then we have our (my) dog Jackie. What becomes of her. She's spent more time here with us than she did in CA. In people years she's late 70's, early 80's. I don't think she wants to move. But do I sacrifice my life for my dog? That is the crux of the matter.

Our house is worth less now than what we owe on it. It's falling down around our ears. I have finally realized that Dave was a worthless piece of shit since he elected to leave cleaning the house up to me. He did the yard work, which consisted of trimming a few bushes and spraying weeds with weedkiller in a Hudson. He didn't even remove the dead weeds. He left them there.

Now that he is in CA for health related issues I am doing the yard work, plus trying to get this house in some semblance of cleanliness and order. He had a whole year of not working to dial in this house so that it was cherry. He didn't. He spent his time playing online backgammon and talking on the phone. Or watching the golf channel. Or just watching TV. What a fuck-up.

Moon, that spells fool.

A Walk With My Dog

Jackie & I went for a walk in the creek today. The pictures above are of Jackie and what I call Ravenstree. Or I should call it ravens' tree, because the ravens like to sit in that tree. I thought about writing a story/book about Ravenstree, the place.

We explored the creek in detail. I let Jackie have rein. We were slow and leisurely. She stopped, sniffed, sprayed, peed and pooped. She ate grass.

Now me, I got to see the little flowers, the weeds that no one wants but are so beautiful because they flower. Coneflowers, little white things that I call paper flowers, snippets of purple and orange. And the rocks. Big rocks, small rocks, I love rocks. I should have been a geologist. I usually take a rock back with me to study and add to my collection.

I have put an email in to our POA to see if in the next newsletter we could set a date to have a creek clean up. So many people use it to walk their dogs and you see all the garbage that people don't mind discarding randomly. Plastic bags, broken bottles, water bottles, things that are unsightly to me and harmful to the creatures that inhabit the creek.

The bunnies, the quail, lizards, snakes (not yet), birds of all shapes, size and color. I don't like living where I am but I do love the creek and the field across from it where the cattle go to graze. We don't go in there often because of the cactus. Jackie has tiny paws and it's easy for her to get stuck with something. Plus she's allergic to stings. I don't have an epi pen for her, just some children's Benadryl and an eyedropper to use. Even with an epi pen I'd still have to take her to the vet. That happened not that long ago. Very scary. She's only had 3 episodes like that but they are not fun. The 2nd one I wasn't sure what happened so I just gave her the Benadryl and prayed to God and St. Francis and played her favorite CD and finally she was okay.

It's funny how your pet becomes you child when you are childless. She's 13 or 14 now and I know I won't have her forever. So I try and have patience and not yell when she barks or gets annoying. Because when she is gone I will miss that more than I can say.

Well, I started out with our walk and now I'm sitting here with tears welling in my eyes when I think of life without Jackie. I won't.

I Will Write

I am going to write a short story if it's the last thing I do. I have read all these wonderful books and have Christina Baker Kline as a terrific inspiration. Her blog is gold. I have to get off my lazy butt, stop procrastinating and just do it, as Nike says. I have so many story thoughts in my head and I've started quite a few, but I lack the discipline to plunk myself down at the computer and commence. I have excellent beginnings, one that I think will be very good, based on an event happening now that I will fictionalize.

I think I am letting my personal life's drama get in the way. I live with an emotional vampire and that makes it difficult to concentrate. Plus all the little extras that I'm dealing with. But I will persevere and get through this negative time in my life and come out victorious. Hey, I won a vivabox, that's got to count for something!

Buddha Quote

The less you have the less you have to worry about.

It's Been A While

I haven't been here for quite some time. 2010 is the new me, the new and improved me. I have started doing Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and it has turned my life around. If you read my earlier posts you can hear how depressed and down with life I was. I'm going to keep them as a reminder; so I don't forget where life can take you.

This will be about my ups and downs with the process. I have finished Chapter 1 of the workbook and it went a lot better than anticipated. For some reason I was nervous. I am sure as time goes by it will become more intense, but I hope to get rid of so much baggage that I have been carrying around for a good part of my life. Wish me luck!

Life Is So Much Different Now

Life is so much different now. I don't have time to go into details. I will keep the old, depressing stuff so I know how I felt then. But everthing has changed. More information to come!

Blah, Blah, Blah

I see it's been a while since I posted anything. Probably because life is full of one piece of shit after another. Two unemployed jokers having heating problems in the middle of winter, now a hot water tap in the kitchen with low pressure, no money for Christmas (bah humbug), still have a ratty back. The only good thing since I last wrote was discovering Lady Gaga.

She keeps my life a little out of the drears. If my back was better I'd be able to dance to Bad Romance. Such is life. My roomie leaves tomorrow for a little sojourn and I shall be left with our dog. That means she sleeps with me (I love her but sleeping with her is terrible for my back).

Aren't you glad I'm little Miss Sunshine?

Anger

I am angry all the time. I don't know if it is because of my constant pain or if this is my new state of being (God I hope not). I am so irritated by everything, a lot of the time with good cause. I live with a slob who knows that I can't do much because of my back and therefore he does nothing.

You know who I'm talking about. The guy who can see the garbage needs to be emptied but he keeps stuffing things into it waiting for you to empty it out. He's lazy. I know I'm not the world's best housekeeper but I do what I can with my limitations. Believe me, I'd rather clean this house from top to bottom than have the pain that I do.

It doesn't help that we both lost our jobs and so we are in each others face all the time. No job means no money to do things so here we are. He spends most of his time on Facebook and I spend mine reading a book.

I hope I die.

When It Rains It Pours

Life is full of all these whimsical little tricks that someone (God?) likes to play on us. I brought my car in Wednesday because it didn't preheat. The heater works fantastic but to get the heat the car had to be moving. I had this problem last winter and it was fixed by a new thermostat and gasket. This time they said I needed a new radiator. Needless to say, after almost $300 my car still doesn't preheat. Unfortunately I did not try this out until today, Saturday, when my mechanic is closed. And since I am of a compulsive nature I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

So I will call on Monday and see what they have to say. Do you sometimes feel like you are in the middle of a bait and switch when it comes to car repairs? And this couldn't happen at a less auspicious time. I am unemployed and living on $265 a week. Fun, no? Why can't my life ever just run smoothly. Everything synchronized. Why, why, why?????????????????????

Some days I am at wits end. I am tired of the constant struggle. Some people live lives that run so smoothly and others, like me, get shit upon on a regular basis.

Mental Fiction

Coral stood looking out from the third floor atrium at the luxuriant green grass in the courtyard outside. It was huge and perfect, with benches and statues scattered about.

She had just come from the library and was clutching the books in her hand. She realized that her clutch was very tight and she could feel beads of sweat breaking on her brow.

“I should be working here,” she thought, “That job should have been mine. Then I would have been here five years and I probably would not be in the pain that I am right now, physically and mentally.”

Coral thought back to that day over five years ago when she had left work early and came for an interview to work for the City. It was closer to home, better pay and the working conditions seemed ideal. She could walk in nice weather or sit on a bench and read.

Unfortunately the interview didn’t go as planned. She had passed the test hurdle but now she was in front of three people who were grilling her with the usual psycho babble that interviewers used. And then Coral made her big mistake, the unforgivable one. When asked where she saw herself several years from then she made the mistake of saying she hoped she retired from this job.

No, no, that’s the wrong answer! But it was out and could not be taken back. So Coral waited in vain for the call that never came. She eventually got her thanks but no thanks letter and knew it was over. Shortly thereafter she lost the job that she had so terribly loathed.

She didn’t work again for over a year. Unfortunately she didn’t spend that time writing the great American novel or getting into primo shape. Defeated.

Another job came along that she took with misgiving. She had never been in that type of environment before. It was physically demanding, and as time went on, her back pain became worse and worse. Yet she struggled on. She always gave the job over 100% each day, even when she came home in tears from the pain.

But somehow and somewhere she earned the enmity of her boss. To the best of her ability she could not come up with what she had done or said.

Long story short, she was fired, again. This time it was called a mutual termination of employment so they could pay her a paltry $4200 for her silence, for her agreeing not to sue for wrongful termination. After all, she lost her job a month after turning 60; she had a physical disability, her back. But she took the money and ran.

Her depression grew as she realized that her hopes of ever getting a decent job were pretty slim, especially living in this small of a town. How could she explain why she quit a job of three years in this terrible economy? What story would a prospective employer buy?

Her dream had been to go to Florida, but that looked out of sight now.
She wasn’t brave enough to risk what she had here. And here was really not great and would not last forever.

So she put her books on the floor and leaned over the railing. Half on half off she let her weight pull her and she fell face down to the floor three stories below. She never felt her death.


The End

Is There Anybody Out There?

I've been doing this for a while, though not as long as some. For some reason no one has stumbled across me. Or if they have they've left no comment. So I guess I'm writing this for my own benefit.

I am at a crossroads and I am pondering what I will do with what remains of my life. I am 60 so that doesn't leave too many "good" years. By good I mean while I'm still active and not an old hag. Sorry, I do care about looks. Probably too much since mine are rapidly fading, not that I was ever a real beauty anyway.

So what to do? 11:11 and 12:12 are on the way. Should I be a person of Light? Is that what I am being called to do? I'm not sure. Since you probably haven't ready my other posts you don't know that I'm unemployed, have a major back problem and am in the midst of a clinical depression, from which I am trying to recover naturally (don't like those anti-depressants).

My problem is that I never allow myself to think too deep. I am very superficial and shallow. No depth or dimension to me. Maybe this is how I can redeem myself. I don't know. I always say I'm going to set up a prayer time and have yet to to that. I pray, haphazardly, but I've always promised God that I would set up a specific time and place for prayer, meditation and being in the moment. I'll post that one if I ever do accomplish this feat.

If you happen to hit this let me know what you are doing to fulfill your purpose in life.

To Be A Ringbearer Is To Be Alone

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I am alone, except for my dog Jackie. I have no friends locally, I have a few that I keep in touch with email and some acquaintances that I also exchange emails with. I have a sister and 2 brothers. Two are on Long Island and one is in Florida, so basically I am alone.

It's lonely being alone. And depressed. And in pain. If I didn't have the last two I might be able to make some use of the first. But since I do have the last two I have to find a way to overcome. And for the most part it's easier to say, let's do that tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and it's the same thing all over again.

Urgh! Who would have thought it would be like this at the end stage of ones life. My graph would be up, up, up and then a slow plummets starting in 2001 and way down here in 2009.

I hope 2010 is better but hoping can be for idiots. Like the flower that decides to come out of the seed and force its way up through the earth to weather all sorts of weather just so it can be a flower - well, that should be inspiration enough.