Something's Gotta Give

I am now almost 59 weeks into unemployment and I must admit it is starting to scare me. I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to stay here and might not be able to because I cannot find a job. Not in my field and not in any other I'm the woman that nobody wants.

I used to want to move to Florida but now I'm not so sure. I've never been there. My older brother is there but his son recently moved back down so I imagine he's happy with that. Plus he's unemployed too and a bit of a hermit. I love him dearly but I think I wouldn't see a lot of him if I was there. Plus it costs money to move to Florida.

Then there's back-up New York. My sister on Long Island. Her request that I come and stay with her and her husband aren't made as often as they once were. Pause for thought. My younger brother and his wife are having a baby so they are going to be tied up. I don't feel I fit into that life anymore.

I came from California where I thought I was happy for 30 years. Turns out I was probably happy for half that time, if that. I think when I met Dave my joy slowly turned sour as the years went by. That will be 29 in August. And yet we still live together here in Northern Arizona. Bizarre.

Then we have our (my) dog Jackie. What becomes of her. She's spent more time here with us than she did in CA. In people years she's late 70's, early 80's. I don't think she wants to move. But do I sacrifice my life for my dog? That is the crux of the matter.

Our house is worth less now than what we owe on it. It's falling down around our ears. I have finally realized that Dave was a worthless piece of shit since he elected to leave cleaning the house up to me. He did the yard work, which consisted of trimming a few bushes and spraying weeds with weedkiller in a Hudson. He didn't even remove the dead weeds. He left them there.

Now that he is in CA for health related issues I am doing the yard work, plus trying to get this house in some semblance of cleanliness and order. He had a whole year of not working to dial in this house so that it was cherry. He didn't. He spent his time playing online backgammon and talking on the phone. Or watching the golf channel. Or just watching TV. What a fuck-up.

Moon, that spells fool.

To Be A Ringbearer Is To Be Alone

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I am alone, except for my dog Jackie. I have no friends locally, I have a few that I keep in touch with email and some acquaintances that I also exchange emails with. I have a sister and 2 brothers. Two are on Long Island and one is in Florida, so basically I am alone.

It's lonely being alone. And depressed. And in pain. If I didn't have the last two I might be able to make some use of the first. But since I do have the last two I have to find a way to overcome. And for the most part it's easier to say, let's do that tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and it's the same thing all over again.

Urgh! Who would have thought it would be like this at the end stage of ones life. My graph would be up, up, up and then a slow plummets starting in 2001 and way down here in 2009.

I hope 2010 is better but hoping can be for idiots. Like the flower that decides to come out of the seed and force its way up through the earth to weather all sorts of weather just so it can be a flower - well, that should be inspiration enough.