Didn't Keep Up With My Louise Hay

I didn't keep up with my Louise Hay and have fallen back into depression. I am alone with my dog and talk to no one except my sister, and once in a while my younger brother. The only conversations I have are with the clerks at the grocery store or Kmart, etc. Pathetic. As Theoden said, when did it come to this.

With Dave away I enjoy the solitude and not having the constant bickering. But at the same time, I have to sleep with Jackie and I'm a light sleeper so her moving wakes me each time. And lately she's taken to waking at 4 am because she sleeps during the day a lot. It's too hot to take her for runs (as if I could run).

My life is flat...............I can't even go to the movies because if I'm gone too long Jackie freaks out when I come home. At least I'd forget my troubles for a few hours and get into the cool air-conditioning. Don't get me wrong. It's cool here, but I'm going stir crazy. And it looks like Dave won't be getting back until the end of July, if I'm lucky.

Where do I go from here???????????

Something's Gotta Give

I am now almost 59 weeks into unemployment and I must admit it is starting to scare me. I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to stay here and might not be able to because I cannot find a job. Not in my field and not in any other I'm the woman that nobody wants.

I used to want to move to Florida but now I'm not so sure. I've never been there. My older brother is there but his son recently moved back down so I imagine he's happy with that. Plus he's unemployed too and a bit of a hermit. I love him dearly but I think I wouldn't see a lot of him if I was there. Plus it costs money to move to Florida.

Then there's back-up New York. My sister on Long Island. Her request that I come and stay with her and her husband aren't made as often as they once were. Pause for thought. My younger brother and his wife are having a baby so they are going to be tied up. I don't feel I fit into that life anymore.

I came from California where I thought I was happy for 30 years. Turns out I was probably happy for half that time, if that. I think when I met Dave my joy slowly turned sour as the years went by. That will be 29 in August. And yet we still live together here in Northern Arizona. Bizarre.

Then we have our (my) dog Jackie. What becomes of her. She's spent more time here with us than she did in CA. In people years she's late 70's, early 80's. I don't think she wants to move. But do I sacrifice my life for my dog? That is the crux of the matter.

Our house is worth less now than what we owe on it. It's falling down around our ears. I have finally realized that Dave was a worthless piece of shit since he elected to leave cleaning the house up to me. He did the yard work, which consisted of trimming a few bushes and spraying weeds with weedkiller in a Hudson. He didn't even remove the dead weeds. He left them there.

Now that he is in CA for health related issues I am doing the yard work, plus trying to get this house in some semblance of cleanliness and order. He had a whole year of not working to dial in this house so that it was cherry. He didn't. He spent his time playing online backgammon and talking on the phone. Or watching the golf channel. Or just watching TV. What a fuck-up.

Moon, that spells fool.

Loneliness

They say that loneliness is very bad for your health. Almost as bad as smoking or not exercising. Well, I quit smoking 41 months ago and I plan to start exercising (heard that before) but I am so lonely I could cry (thank you Elvis). I haven't had a real friend in ages, except for my sister, and she lives almost 3000 miles away.

I guess I'm not good at making friends, or I've forgotten how. They say as you get older it's harder but I don't know if that's true. But nothing can be worse than lonely (well, I guess there are some things that could). If I didn't have my dog Jackie I don't know what I would do. She is my only companion, even though I share my living quarters with my ex (try not to do that if you can).