Anger

I am angry all the time. I don't know if it is because of my constant pain or if this is my new state of being (God I hope not). I am so irritated by everything, a lot of the time with good cause. I live with a slob who knows that I can't do much because of my back and therefore he does nothing.

You know who I'm talking about. The guy who can see the garbage needs to be emptied but he keeps stuffing things into it waiting for you to empty it out. He's lazy. I know I'm not the world's best housekeeper but I do what I can with my limitations. Believe me, I'd rather clean this house from top to bottom than have the pain that I do.

It doesn't help that we both lost our jobs and so we are in each others face all the time. No job means no money to do things so here we are. He spends most of his time on Facebook and I spend mine reading a book.

I hope I die.

When It Rains It Pours

Life is full of all these whimsical little tricks that someone (God?) likes to play on us. I brought my car in Wednesday because it didn't preheat. The heater works fantastic but to get the heat the car had to be moving. I had this problem last winter and it was fixed by a new thermostat and gasket. This time they said I needed a new radiator. Needless to say, after almost $300 my car still doesn't preheat. Unfortunately I did not try this out until today, Saturday, when my mechanic is closed. And since I am of a compulsive nature I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

So I will call on Monday and see what they have to say. Do you sometimes feel like you are in the middle of a bait and switch when it comes to car repairs? And this couldn't happen at a less auspicious time. I am unemployed and living on $265 a week. Fun, no? Why can't my life ever just run smoothly. Everything synchronized. Why, why, why?????????????????????

Some days I am at wits end. I am tired of the constant struggle. Some people live lives that run so smoothly and others, like me, get shit upon on a regular basis.

Mental Fiction

Coral stood looking out from the third floor atrium at the luxuriant green grass in the courtyard outside. It was huge and perfect, with benches and statues scattered about.

She had just come from the library and was clutching the books in her hand. She realized that her clutch was very tight and she could feel beads of sweat breaking on her brow.

“I should be working here,” she thought, “That job should have been mine. Then I would have been here five years and I probably would not be in the pain that I am right now, physically and mentally.”

Coral thought back to that day over five years ago when she had left work early and came for an interview to work for the City. It was closer to home, better pay and the working conditions seemed ideal. She could walk in nice weather or sit on a bench and read.

Unfortunately the interview didn’t go as planned. She had passed the test hurdle but now she was in front of three people who were grilling her with the usual psycho babble that interviewers used. And then Coral made her big mistake, the unforgivable one. When asked where she saw herself several years from then she made the mistake of saying she hoped she retired from this job.

No, no, that’s the wrong answer! But it was out and could not be taken back. So Coral waited in vain for the call that never came. She eventually got her thanks but no thanks letter and knew it was over. Shortly thereafter she lost the job that she had so terribly loathed.

She didn’t work again for over a year. Unfortunately she didn’t spend that time writing the great American novel or getting into primo shape. Defeated.

Another job came along that she took with misgiving. She had never been in that type of environment before. It was physically demanding, and as time went on, her back pain became worse and worse. Yet she struggled on. She always gave the job over 100% each day, even when she came home in tears from the pain.

But somehow and somewhere she earned the enmity of her boss. To the best of her ability she could not come up with what she had done or said.

Long story short, she was fired, again. This time it was called a mutual termination of employment so they could pay her a paltry $4200 for her silence, for her agreeing not to sue for wrongful termination. After all, she lost her job a month after turning 60; she had a physical disability, her back. But she took the money and ran.

Her depression grew as she realized that her hopes of ever getting a decent job were pretty slim, especially living in this small of a town. How could she explain why she quit a job of three years in this terrible economy? What story would a prospective employer buy?

Her dream had been to go to Florida, but that looked out of sight now.
She wasn’t brave enough to risk what she had here. And here was really not great and would not last forever.

So she put her books on the floor and leaned over the railing. Half on half off she let her weight pull her and she fell face down to the floor three stories below. She never felt her death.


The End

Is There Anybody Out There?

I've been doing this for a while, though not as long as some. For some reason no one has stumbled across me. Or if they have they've left no comment. So I guess I'm writing this for my own benefit.

I am at a crossroads and I am pondering what I will do with what remains of my life. I am 60 so that doesn't leave too many "good" years. By good I mean while I'm still active and not an old hag. Sorry, I do care about looks. Probably too much since mine are rapidly fading, not that I was ever a real beauty anyway.

So what to do? 11:11 and 12:12 are on the way. Should I be a person of Light? Is that what I am being called to do? I'm not sure. Since you probably haven't ready my other posts you don't know that I'm unemployed, have a major back problem and am in the midst of a clinical depression, from which I am trying to recover naturally (don't like those anti-depressants).

My problem is that I never allow myself to think too deep. I am very superficial and shallow. No depth or dimension to me. Maybe this is how I can redeem myself. I don't know. I always say I'm going to set up a prayer time and have yet to to that. I pray, haphazardly, but I've always promised God that I would set up a specific time and place for prayer, meditation and being in the moment. I'll post that one if I ever do accomplish this feat.

If you happen to hit this let me know what you are doing to fulfill your purpose in life.