Blah, Blah, Blah

I see it's been a while since I posted anything. Probably because life is full of one piece of shit after another. Two unemployed jokers having heating problems in the middle of winter, now a hot water tap in the kitchen with low pressure, no money for Christmas (bah humbug), still have a ratty back. The only good thing since I last wrote was discovering Lady Gaga.

She keeps my life a little out of the drears. If my back was better I'd be able to dance to Bad Romance. Such is life. My roomie leaves tomorrow for a little sojourn and I shall be left with our dog. That means she sleeps with me (I love her but sleeping with her is terrible for my back).

Aren't you glad I'm little Miss Sunshine?

Anger

I am angry all the time. I don't know if it is because of my constant pain or if this is my new state of being (God I hope not). I am so irritated by everything, a lot of the time with good cause. I live with a slob who knows that I can't do much because of my back and therefore he does nothing.

You know who I'm talking about. The guy who can see the garbage needs to be emptied but he keeps stuffing things into it waiting for you to empty it out. He's lazy. I know I'm not the world's best housekeeper but I do what I can with my limitations. Believe me, I'd rather clean this house from top to bottom than have the pain that I do.

It doesn't help that we both lost our jobs and so we are in each others face all the time. No job means no money to do things so here we are. He spends most of his time on Facebook and I spend mine reading a book.

I hope I die.

When It Rains It Pours

Life is full of all these whimsical little tricks that someone (God?) likes to play on us. I brought my car in Wednesday because it didn't preheat. The heater works fantastic but to get the heat the car had to be moving. I had this problem last winter and it was fixed by a new thermostat and gasket. This time they said I needed a new radiator. Needless to say, after almost $300 my car still doesn't preheat. Unfortunately I did not try this out until today, Saturday, when my mechanic is closed. And since I am of a compulsive nature I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

So I will call on Monday and see what they have to say. Do you sometimes feel like you are in the middle of a bait and switch when it comes to car repairs? And this couldn't happen at a less auspicious time. I am unemployed and living on $265 a week. Fun, no? Why can't my life ever just run smoothly. Everything synchronized. Why, why, why?????????????????????

Some days I am at wits end. I am tired of the constant struggle. Some people live lives that run so smoothly and others, like me, get shit upon on a regular basis.

Mental Fiction

Coral stood looking out from the third floor atrium at the luxuriant green grass in the courtyard outside. It was huge and perfect, with benches and statues scattered about.

She had just come from the library and was clutching the books in her hand. She realized that her clutch was very tight and she could feel beads of sweat breaking on her brow.

“I should be working here,” she thought, “That job should have been mine. Then I would have been here five years and I probably would not be in the pain that I am right now, physically and mentally.”

Coral thought back to that day over five years ago when she had left work early and came for an interview to work for the City. It was closer to home, better pay and the working conditions seemed ideal. She could walk in nice weather or sit on a bench and read.

Unfortunately the interview didn’t go as planned. She had passed the test hurdle but now she was in front of three people who were grilling her with the usual psycho babble that interviewers used. And then Coral made her big mistake, the unforgivable one. When asked where she saw herself several years from then she made the mistake of saying she hoped she retired from this job.

No, no, that’s the wrong answer! But it was out and could not be taken back. So Coral waited in vain for the call that never came. She eventually got her thanks but no thanks letter and knew it was over. Shortly thereafter she lost the job that she had so terribly loathed.

She didn’t work again for over a year. Unfortunately she didn’t spend that time writing the great American novel or getting into primo shape. Defeated.

Another job came along that she took with misgiving. She had never been in that type of environment before. It was physically demanding, and as time went on, her back pain became worse and worse. Yet she struggled on. She always gave the job over 100% each day, even when she came home in tears from the pain.

But somehow and somewhere she earned the enmity of her boss. To the best of her ability she could not come up with what she had done or said.

Long story short, she was fired, again. This time it was called a mutual termination of employment so they could pay her a paltry $4200 for her silence, for her agreeing not to sue for wrongful termination. After all, she lost her job a month after turning 60; she had a physical disability, her back. But she took the money and ran.

Her depression grew as she realized that her hopes of ever getting a decent job were pretty slim, especially living in this small of a town. How could she explain why she quit a job of three years in this terrible economy? What story would a prospective employer buy?

Her dream had been to go to Florida, but that looked out of sight now.
She wasn’t brave enough to risk what she had here. And here was really not great and would not last forever.

So she put her books on the floor and leaned over the railing. Half on half off she let her weight pull her and she fell face down to the floor three stories below. She never felt her death.


The End

Is There Anybody Out There?

I've been doing this for a while, though not as long as some. For some reason no one has stumbled across me. Or if they have they've left no comment. So I guess I'm writing this for my own benefit.

I am at a crossroads and I am pondering what I will do with what remains of my life. I am 60 so that doesn't leave too many "good" years. By good I mean while I'm still active and not an old hag. Sorry, I do care about looks. Probably too much since mine are rapidly fading, not that I was ever a real beauty anyway.

So what to do? 11:11 and 12:12 are on the way. Should I be a person of Light? Is that what I am being called to do? I'm not sure. Since you probably haven't ready my other posts you don't know that I'm unemployed, have a major back problem and am in the midst of a clinical depression, from which I am trying to recover naturally (don't like those anti-depressants).

My problem is that I never allow myself to think too deep. I am very superficial and shallow. No depth or dimension to me. Maybe this is how I can redeem myself. I don't know. I always say I'm going to set up a prayer time and have yet to to that. I pray, haphazardly, but I've always promised God that I would set up a specific time and place for prayer, meditation and being in the moment. I'll post that one if I ever do accomplish this feat.

If you happen to hit this let me know what you are doing to fulfill your purpose in life.

To Be A Ringbearer Is To Be Alone

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I am alone, except for my dog Jackie. I have no friends locally, I have a few that I keep in touch with email and some acquaintances that I also exchange emails with. I have a sister and 2 brothers. Two are on Long Island and one is in Florida, so basically I am alone.

It's lonely being alone. And depressed. And in pain. If I didn't have the last two I might be able to make some use of the first. But since I do have the last two I have to find a way to overcome. And for the most part it's easier to say, let's do that tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and it's the same thing all over again.

Urgh! Who would have thought it would be like this at the end stage of ones life. My graph would be up, up, up and then a slow plummets starting in 2001 and way down here in 2009.

I hope 2010 is better but hoping can be for idiots. Like the flower that decides to come out of the seed and force its way up through the earth to weather all sorts of weather just so it can be a flower - well, that should be inspiration enough.

Ford Expedition

Today in the parking lot at Walgreens I came out to find a Ford Expedition next to my 1994 Toyota Corolla. I thought, wow, this is twice the size of my car. A family could live in there. And right now I am sure there are families that wish they could.

I am a 60 year old unemployed female who is beginning to think that this is the end for me, as far as working goes. I can find nothing. I am not, sorry, going to be a cashier at Kmart when I have spent over 30 years honing my skills as an executive assistant. I know people sneer at people like me, people who feel you should be glad to have any job that is out there. I wonder if it was them would they feel the same way.

But back to the big vehicles. When is it going to end? What is the reasoning behind this? Is it a power trip? I don't know. But I do know that we do not need any vehicle that is as large as an Expedition. If I were in an accident with one I'd probably end up under it.

The divide is widening between the haves and the have nots. I consider myself a have not even though I live in a home that I/we own but the mortgage is more than the value of the home. I am able to pay my bills and not have anything left for frivolities. I imagine the real have nots are the ones who do live in a tent or their car and I can't even imagine being there.

Ever since 9/11 life has gone downhill for me. I don't know about other people but I have just been on this downward slide as far as health, wealth and opportunities go. I will admit I don't like it. Is it karma? I hope not. How long will it last? Maybe December 21, 2012.

Over A Month from Last Post

It's been over a month since I posted. I am spiraling downward. Things are getting worse not better. I am now over 6 months unemployed and live on the largess of the US government with extended benefits. Not happy with that but it pays the bills.

I am wearing cutoffs from pull on jeans that are a size 12. At one time they were too big, now they are too small. I probably need a size 14, something I've never been. I was going to start a new chapter in my life since it's October 1 and feeling very fallish. So I've eaten 2 Hostess cupcakes, had a 320 calorie ice cream cone and haven't moved a muscle, except to walk.

So what does that tell me. Not that I don't want to do all this but that I AM DEPRESSED. What do I plan to do about that. Not sure at this point. I am a sloth, lazy, tired, sad, depressed and worried.

The Chinese colors on the Empire State Building were enough to freeze my blood. I have a letter that my grandmother wrote to my father about the opening of that wonderful building. The times they are a changing.

60 Years In One Suitcase

How does one fit 60 years of ones life into a single suitcase? I think that might be my eventual future. As stated before, I am unemployed and the prospects for employment in this area are pretty remote. Not that I even want to stay in this state.

But of utmost importance is money. How much you have to get you where you are going. Will I have enough to fix up my car and drive back East? Will I have to sell that and all my belongings and pack that ONE suitcase? I don't know. Scary place to be. If I was 20 it would be adventurous but at 60 it is quite alarming.

I have books, CD's clothing, shoes, objects that I've picked up over the course of my lifetime thus far. How do I decide what stays and what goes. How can I choose between them all. Why do I have to choose at all. I won't lament about the unfairness of it all because we all know that LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR!!!!! Yada, yada, yada.

As Scarlett O'Hara said, I'll think about this tomorrow (or actually Monday). I've decided Monday is when I can officially freak out (though I think I am already). For today I plan to watch the Travel Channel's "Wild China" from 1 pm to 4:30 pm. I'm then watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkiban for the billionth time, and will conclude the evening with some BBC.

I'll let you know how this all turns out.

Loneliness

They say that loneliness is very bad for your health. Almost as bad as smoking or not exercising. Well, I quit smoking 41 months ago and I plan to start exercising (heard that before) but I am so lonely I could cry (thank you Elvis). I haven't had a real friend in ages, except for my sister, and she lives almost 3000 miles away.

I guess I'm not good at making friends, or I've forgotten how. They say as you get older it's harder but I don't know if that's true. But nothing can be worse than lonely (well, I guess there are some things that could). If I didn't have my dog Jackie I don't know what I would do. She is my only companion, even though I share my living quarters with my ex (try not to do that if you can).

Depression

Boy is it hard to stop from being depressed. I have a little book that is spiritual in nature and there is one chapter I keep rereading about positive hope. About the mustard seed and miracles. I even have a mustard seed on my key ring.

So I'm "up" for a while, only to crash back into depression mode. I don't know how to escape. Can anybody help me?

It's Been A While

Haven't posted anything in a while. Not much going on around here. Same old same old. No job, no money, no fun, no healthy back.

Speaking of backs, I've been using the Back2Life for 3 weeks and no improvement. I think I'll use that 30 days money back guarantee. No sense wasting $200 (not my money, someone bought for me).

I've got my dog waiting for me to put on some clothes and take her for a walk. I guess I will since it's only 6:45 am and already in the 70's. Another hot one!

Tired, Tired, Tired

I am so TIRED of not working, not feeling well (back problems), not much money, too fat, too lazy to work out, too too.

I know I need to change my mental outlook but I am not sure how anymore. I don't like being me and feel as the years go by I will like myself even less. Hell, I don't even know where I'm going or what I will be doing.

I know I should be grateful for what I have when I hear about a young boy dying of cancer and his parents having to dig his grave to save $300 (fortunately an organization heard about the outstanding funeral costs and paid them). I know it could be so much worse but how do I get that part of my brain that needs to know this know this?

Any suggestions will be welcome (LOL - no one has found my blog yet!!!!).

Scary Faces in Wood Paneling

Isn't it funny how the wood paneling from the 70's and 80's have all these scary faces hidden within the striations of the wood? I have a double door closet in my bedroom and when I look at the wood I can see the most horrifying goblins and spooks. The whirls and swirls become something sinister and dark.

Has anyone else ever looked at their paneling in this manner?

No Energy - No Stamina

These days I have no energy or stamina. I write my "to do" lists and might get one item accomplished. They then roll over to the next day. It's not as though I don't have the time - I'm currently unemployed with time on my hands. Not too many job openings to apply for.

So why do I lack any motivation? I think it falls under that depression I mentioned earlier. I really need to get tough with myself since I don't want to use medication to deal with this. I think my life circumstances come into play here. Losing the job as I did was a blow to my self-esteem. And I seem to be the ever increasing in size woman, not the shrinking one. I think I've addressed this before.

So you're saying why are you still complaining. If you vested as much time into doing something as you do into complaining about it you really might just get something done. And you know what? I think you're right!!!

Prayer for Despair

Prayer for Despair

I have been rejected and despised;

I am hurting and destroyed by the pain.

I am angry with ohters and with you; o God,

for there is no comfort, none anywhere.

I call your name and you are absent.

I wonder why you let me suffer so.

My cries echo in the universe

and ring in my ears

and I am weary of the taste of my tears.

Hear my plea, o God of love.

Let me not be destroyed

by this agony on the brink of death.

I am like a broken reed,

fragile and crushed.

Hear my plea, o God of love.

Let me not be destroyed.

Amen

The Good Old Days

I seem to miss the good old days more and more. Every time I have to add someone to my blocked senders list (don't these people have better things to do with their time?). When I have to cut, pull, jam, scrunch, whatever to open a box of cereal, Advil, almost anything. They are either trying to protect us from someone who wants to harm us or they are trying to keep someone from stealing.

When did the world become such a bad place? I remember when the milkman came to our door and all the came between us and our milk was that little cardboad cap with the tab that you pulled to open. No one worrying about where you were until dark (and not always even then).

I don't like aging but I'd also wouldn't like being young now because of so much that is WRONG with the world. I hope we can all make it a better place.

Food Journal

I have decided to keep a food journal. I don't really want to but I've been told that food journals really do work at helping women get the weight off. I am hoping to lose 40 pounds at some point in time. I've decided not to give myself a deadline. Who needs all that pressure!

My journal will consist of what I've eaten and what the calories, fat, protein and carb count is. I want to make sure I have the balance of those nutrients that are right for the number of calories I plan to consume daily (1200).

I'm not going to put down my moods or what I was feeling when I ate what I ate. I do plan to eliminate all cake, candy, cookies, ice cream, crackers and white stuff that I can. If I don't have it in the house I can't eat it. I already am pretty good with the whole wheat bread, rice and pasta. I plan to have a decent breakfast every morning and I will have protein with my three meals.

I hope to be successful because I am tired to feeling fat.

How Can You Tell if You're Having a Nervous Breakdown?

Life these days isn't easy. I just got back from the hairdressers to get a weave. I'm unemployed but won't get a job with grey hair. I was just watching the Cafferty File on CNN about the "new" retirement and it was sad reading the comments.

I am 60: I lost my job one month after my 60th birthday. I don't think that was any coincidence. Where do I go from here??? I know I am depressed; probably clinically depressed. But I already take too many RX's to add another one to the list of costs.

It's sad how the "older" generation is treated. What happened? Where did we/I go wrong. Why is experience worth so little these days?

The job I no longer have was only paying me $12/hour. That's less than half of what I used to make. But I had health insurance and beggars can't be choosers (meaning, take what you can get and shut up).

I'm taking my SS at 62 and will work things out from there. Oh Discordia!

Tangled Up In Blue

I just watched the movie "I'm Not There" about Bob Dylan's life. What a strange and fabulous movie. So hearing his music stirred up old memories and I went on Itunes to check out some songs. He certainly is the wordster of this generation. I will buy songs as soon as I can go from an Ipod Shuffle to the real deal. I'm maxed out with Pink Floyd music.

What was really wild about the movie was watching Cate Blanchett's portrayal of Bob Dylan. She was fantastic! I can see why she was nominated for an Oscar. After watching the movie it's almost like coming down from a trip. Weird.

It's A Little Bit Me, It's A Little Bit You

I am a big whiner. A crybaby. I am never satisfied with the status quo. I want everything to be okay and I want it NOW. Life for me is not easy right now but instead of trying to change it I just complain about it. I need to be stronger at this very vulnerable time.

I also have too much stuff. I took out my summer clothes and must have 20 pairs of shorts. Of course most of them won't fit right now because I've put on weight. I'm reading the Sugar Addicts Recovery book and I certainly hope that can help me.

I need to have a plan of action, I need to do more than just drift thought each day. I have to make use of this free time while I have it. It is a gift not to be squandered. But then being a whiny crybaby makes it hard for me to do that.

F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real)

I'm not sure where I read about fear being false evidence appearing real but most of my life has been lived under that assumption. Why I don't know. What's even worse is that I am aware of this yet cannot stop myself from feeling this way. Here's a small list of the major things I missed out on because of false evidence.

• In kindergarten I was asked to play the lead in Goldilocks because I had the blondest hair. I was too shy so I just became part of the chorus or background.


• In high school I was a Beatlemaniac and I had gotten a ticket to their Shea Stadium concert. When I bought the ticket I was in school and hanging with other girls who were of the same ilk. But it was summer when the concert occured and I was to shy/afraid to call the other girls to see how they were getting there, so I didn't go.


• Fast forward to the 1990's and a Guns 'n Roses concert. I had two tickets and was going to take a friend. It was held at the Rose Bowl and I was living in Ventura County and was to timid to make the drive (starting to sound like TERRAP or agourphobia).

My fear has dictated my life. I feel I have never made any real decisions about what direction I wanted my life to take. So now I reap the rewards for a life not lived. There is so much I haven't done and not that much time left to do it. So will I? I still don't know.

Age Will Limit You If You Let It

I recently deleted my blog because I didn't have any "hits" and someone told me that I never do anything so why was I on Twitter (I quit that because my tweets never went through). I then decided, so what, so what if it's only me who sees my blog. I think I'm enough. This can be my journal online. Age can be so limiting if you let it. I don't intend to. So, my blog will continue, if only for my own amusement.

Fever Blister

Today I have a fever blister, a cold sore. My first since my early 20's. I can't believe it's surfaced nor why. I know my dietary intake has not be sufficient in the proper nutrition and good stuff that my body needs to be whole and complete.

So now I have Vitamin E oil on it. What's funny is I stuck a pin into the vitamin E capsule and overnight the whole had closed. So I guess vitamin E is a self-healer.

I have to get a better frame of mind. The one currently in possession of me is one of bitterness and disappointment. I have s0 many resentments that tag along behind me like so much trash. I plan to write each one down and then burn them. And I hope with the burning they leave my heart.

I'll let you know!

This One Is For The Girls

Young girls, young women, young adults. Learn from my mistakes. May it do ya please. I'm talking about KEEPING IN SHAPE! Not just for the sake of beauty but also and more important for your health. Eat right, exercise (there are so many ways to do this), meditation, sleep (so important), wear sunscreen.

I am 60 and tomorrow if "the 1st day of my life" yada, yada. I'm overweight by 40 pounds, my face is starting to sag (Oh Discordia!), I've got (gasp) brown spots (age spots). No more cake, candy, ice cream, fatty foods, fast foods. I know I should be looking forward to this but I am not. I have realized just how lazy I am.

But, if I don't want to look and feel my age I have to do all that. But you, you who are still able to incorporate this into your life (if you haven't already) have this chance to start off on the right foot. When I was a kid my mom would always remind us to hold our stomachs in. If we/I had we /I wouldn't have as much work on the old, flabby belly.

What I should do is give up coffee which would give up half & half and I would eliminate a lot of calories from my diet. But I can't go on eating cake, candy, etc. forever. When I graduated from high school in 1967 I weighed less than 100 pounds. I am now (I think) 160. I want/need to get to 120. Wish me luck and please heed my advice.

Alas Alack!

I feel if I were a blog about a brothel, prostitute ring or something nefarious, I would get people to see my blog. As it is I've had one comment and that's it. I know my life is not really interesting so why am I doing this at all. Maybe I should have invented a character to write about, someone mysterious and alluring.

Food for thought!

On Turning 60

I turned 60 the beginning of February. I hate it. I know it is only a number but for some reason this number has hit me hard. You really notice what time has done to damage your physical appearance. And you ask yourself, do I really want to try all those products that are out there to try and keep you young looking.

I think a new product (or more) comes out every week. We Americans are so obsessed about looking young. I think at this point I'd settle for feeling young. Unfortunately I suffer (or allow myself to suffer) from chronic back pain. It's not a lot of fun and very limiting as to what physical things you can do.

I admit that I don't take care of myself as I should. Oh, by the way, did I tell you I was the Queen of Procrastination? I am. Never put off until next month what you could be doing today.
One of my favorite pasttimes is sleeping (oh, did I say that?).

Memorial weekend - not working you tend not to get too excited about holidays. One nice thing about the town over is that they line the highway with flags. I always find that very moving. At the grocery store today their was a gentleman outside collecting mney for vets and giving out those little red flowers. I gave him five bucks and he asked me if I had a husband at home. I told him no, but I do have an ex-husband at home. He gave me a lollypop for him and he had a good laugh. I told him truth is stranger than fiction. A lady in the parking lot agreed with me.

This is Fun (Torture)

Boy is it tough trying to do this blogging thing. I'm also trying to twitter too so I think I might have brain overload. I have to remember that all good things come to those who wait so I believe I will get it all hammered out by the end of the month. Some things are easier than others.

It was a breeze doing my youtube page. I was even able to upload a video I made (of my dog). This is not as easy but I don't plan to give up.

Thanks to all in the support group who helped me with my questions. Hope everyone has a great Memorial w/end.

Google & Bibles

1. Google's logo today showed the new fossil that they found. Great, except Google is showing a preference to Darwinism than Creationism. I thought they liked to be fair and balanced???

2. How stupid of the US government to send bibles to Afghanistan in their language in the hopes of converting them. I think our soldiers are too busy trying to stay alive so they don't have time to share religion. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? More waste of taxpayer $$.

Music for Commercials

It's sad when the music you loved as a teen and older are used to push products. So many wonderful songs are now only heard during a commercial. Need I say more???

Whole Lot of Shaking Going On

Talk about fickle! I'm on my 3rd (I think) template for my blog. Do other bloggers do that? I want it to be such a wonderful looking blog and yet each time I change the template I have to do all the colors and fonts all over again. No simple task for this beginner.

If anyone stumbles onto this and knows what I need to get it "just right," please let me know.

My First Post

This will be my first post to my blog. Any and all suggestions are welcome. I want to add dodads to this site but don't know how to go about it. That is one of the many things I am hoping to learn during this process.