To Be A Ringbearer Is To Be Alone

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I am alone, except for my dog Jackie. I have no friends locally, I have a few that I keep in touch with email and some acquaintances that I also exchange emails with. I have a sister and 2 brothers. Two are on Long Island and one is in Florida, so basically I am alone.

It's lonely being alone. And depressed. And in pain. If I didn't have the last two I might be able to make some use of the first. But since I do have the last two I have to find a way to overcome. And for the most part it's easier to say, let's do that tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and it's the same thing all over again.

Urgh! Who would have thought it would be like this at the end stage of ones life. My graph would be up, up, up and then a slow plummets starting in 2001 and way down here in 2009.

I hope 2010 is better but hoping can be for idiots. Like the flower that decides to come out of the seed and force its way up through the earth to weather all sorts of weather just so it can be a flower - well, that should be inspiration enough.

Ford Expedition

Today in the parking lot at Walgreens I came out to find a Ford Expedition next to my 1994 Toyota Corolla. I thought, wow, this is twice the size of my car. A family could live in there. And right now I am sure there are families that wish they could.

I am a 60 year old unemployed female who is beginning to think that this is the end for me, as far as working goes. I can find nothing. I am not, sorry, going to be a cashier at Kmart when I have spent over 30 years honing my skills as an executive assistant. I know people sneer at people like me, people who feel you should be glad to have any job that is out there. I wonder if it was them would they feel the same way.

But back to the big vehicles. When is it going to end? What is the reasoning behind this? Is it a power trip? I don't know. But I do know that we do not need any vehicle that is as large as an Expedition. If I were in an accident with one I'd probably end up under it.

The divide is widening between the haves and the have nots. I consider myself a have not even though I live in a home that I/we own but the mortgage is more than the value of the home. I am able to pay my bills and not have anything left for frivolities. I imagine the real have nots are the ones who do live in a tent or their car and I can't even imagine being there.

Ever since 9/11 life has gone downhill for me. I don't know about other people but I have just been on this downward slide as far as health, wealth and opportunities go. I will admit I don't like it. Is it karma? I hope not. How long will it last? Maybe December 21, 2012.

Over A Month from Last Post

It's been over a month since I posted. I am spiraling downward. Things are getting worse not better. I am now over 6 months unemployed and live on the largess of the US government with extended benefits. Not happy with that but it pays the bills.

I am wearing cutoffs from pull on jeans that are a size 12. At one time they were too big, now they are too small. I probably need a size 14, something I've never been. I was going to start a new chapter in my life since it's October 1 and feeling very fallish. So I've eaten 2 Hostess cupcakes, had a 320 calorie ice cream cone and haven't moved a muscle, except to walk.

So what does that tell me. Not that I don't want to do all this but that I AM DEPRESSED. What do I plan to do about that. Not sure at this point. I am a sloth, lazy, tired, sad, depressed and worried.

The Chinese colors on the Empire State Building were enough to freeze my blood. I have a letter that my grandmother wrote to my father about the opening of that wonderful building. The times they are a changing.